Safe

There are still days that tug at my heartstrings, for the pain of losing my baby girl are still very real; its weird to think that I should have a baby now. My OB however seems very optimistic about our baby future and that's a refreshing thing to hear and brings a small sense of calmness. I'm stopping temping/charting this month to maybe try and relax (so much easier done then said). On a bit of a random note, music and lyrics have this way of speaking to my heart and this couldn't have been more true when I came across Phil Wickham's Heave & Earth cd this afternoon (I highly recommend buying this cd). There are just songs that really show how I feel, its putting emotions into words. With the two teary missing-my-baby moments I had today the song "Safe" off his album brought a sense of peace to my heart. God has a plan; he's holding me, my Sierra Mae, and our little babies yet to come.

to the one who's dreams have fallen all apart

and all your left with is a tired and broken heart

I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own

but you're not alone

have you heard of the One who can calm the raging sea

give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet

with a love so strong He'll never let You go

you are not alone

you will be safe in His arms, You will be safe in His arms

the hands that hold the world are holding Your heart

this is the promise He made He will be with You always

when everything is falling apart you will be safe in His arms

did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life

is the very same voice that calls you now to rise

hear Him now He's calling you home

you will never be alone

these are the hands that built the mountains

the hands that calm the sea

these are the arms that hold the heavens

they are holding you and me

these are the hands that heal the leper

pull the lame up their feet

these are the arms that were nailed to a cross

to break our chains and set us free

phil wickham "safe"

- Laura

Tis the Season..

..for turkey dinners and baking marathons. This year we decided to stay home for the holiday (mainly for baby loss reasons), yet we happily hosted Kathy for her Biola getaway. She drove up on Wednesday and then left this morning. Her stay included working on holiday projects, eating requested dinners (baked potato soup and homemade pizza), having a traditional Smith Thanksgiving dinner (turkey, sour cream mashed potatoes, frozen fruit salad, stuffing, yams, and veggie salad), and baking all the goodies we had time for (four batches of eggnog logs, two batches of magic cookie bars, two batches of peanut butter balls, two batches of white chocolate chip cranberry cookies, chex mix, sugar cookies, and five colors of butter cream frosting). Amazingly enough we also squeezed in time to take Kathy to see some of the Redding sights, such as the Sundial bridge, Whiskeytown Lake, and Crystal Falls.

Thanksgiving Dinner

Baking Results

Peacefully Windblown

Lake Overlook

- Laura

November Due Date

Its a beautiful fall morning in Redding, California; crisp blue skies, there's still a hint of rain in the air from the night's rainfall, the trees are an entertainment of autumn colors, and yet there's a heaviness in my heart. Today is Sierra Mae's due date. While I know she probably wouldn't have been born today, it still marks as a day that she could've been place into our arms. Its a day like today that I wish we had a gravesite to visit, but since her ashes got essentially "messed up" at the mortuary, we just have her memory in our hearts. So its another day to buy pink roses this year and hopefully later this afternoon I'll summon the courage to finish writing in her baby book. Missing my baby so much.

We were going to have a baby, but had an angel instead.

Mommy and Daddy miss you Sierra Mae; we'll see you soon in heaven litttle one.

- Laura

The Downside

There's no real upside to losing a baby, despite all the comments people try to make about it. Today I discovered yet another downside: the mail, sometimes it just isn't a carrier of good news. Even though I tearfully cancelled our baby registries months ago, that somehow doesn't correlate with taking our name off mailing lists. With Sierra Mae's due date rapidly approaching our mailbox has been flooded with parenting magazines, huggies diaper/wipe samples, and this afternoon the coupon for 10% off the remaining items on our "Babies R Us" registry showed up. I mean REALLY!? Honestly at times it simply feels like the hits just keep on coming.

- Laura

Sewing Triumph

Sewing cloth diapers...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

- Laura

Jean Towel Bibs

Two weeks ago my sewing machine had a meltdown and I had to ship it to a Singer repair warehouse down in North Hills. Tragic for my little machine. Tons of projects got put on hold; not so good heading in to the busy gift season. However, it finally made it home safely and in good working order last night; just in time too!

With so many people around me pregnant most of the projects I have in the works are baby related. My lastest easy baby project is bibs, more specifically jean towel bibs. I've got it down to 30 minutes a bib. Here are a couple that I made for Rachel, a mommy of two soon to be three that is in my small group at Bible study. She's having a c-section on Nov. 19th, so keep her in your prayers.

Jean Quilt, Blue Towel Bib

Simple Jean, Blue Towel Bib

Reverse Jean Quilt, White Towel Bib

- Laura

Big Deep Breath

I was walking through Target today, picking up some washcloths and checking out this season's Christmas decorations; as I was getting ready to leave I decided to make a stop at the card rack in hopes of finding a cute "new home" card for a friend. This decision caused me to walk from toys to the front of the store and thus right by the baby section. As I walked by my eyes caught a pair of pink socks next to several pink onesies; that all too familiar twinge of hurt in my heart flared up and tears suddenly dampened my cheeks. Abandoning my basket, head down, I left the store.

The month of November is going to be much harder than I thought.

When I got home I decided to put to use all those post-its I've collected over the years; placing reminders around our home to be thankful for the things I am blessed with. So here we go, ten things I'm thankful for:

-- Comfort food family recipes.

-- Mod Podge; back to the simplicity of crafts.

-- Ducktape; can hold just about anything together.

-- New picture frames to hold photos of amazing friends.

-- Post-its.

-- Postcards; enough room to write a note without messing with an envelope.

-- Shawn's comforting embrace; its a safe place to be.

-- Lyrics; something that seems to always be able to put my feelings into words.

-- Freebies; got a free ornament made from Sierra Mae's feet picture from Kodak.

-- 10 day forecast which shows rain coming.

- Laura